dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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