I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
