If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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