Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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