Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
