The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
