i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
