It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
