in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
