Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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