I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
She said her name was "party"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
