Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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