tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
