new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
how drunk are you?
Several
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
