I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
