every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
