Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
