So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
