They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
