I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
