Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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