something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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