And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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