Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
