Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
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You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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