no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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