i need an iv and a liver transplant
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
