conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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