M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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