can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
