Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
