Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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