fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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