I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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