My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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