And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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