How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
