if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
