Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
