I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
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There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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