You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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