walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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