i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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