did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
