You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
