shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
