it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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