I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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