The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
