We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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