Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
