I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh god it's open bar.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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