Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
