She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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