I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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