He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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