White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
