I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is the high leading the old right now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
