i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize