The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
