Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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