The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
