My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
