I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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