You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
